Tenderqueer

Tenderqueer is a term with a meaning that has changed over time. Originally, it referred to a queer individual who embraced softness and soft aesthetics. It would later be adopted by the Black queer community to refer to White queer people who weaponized their queerness as a 'shield' to defend against accusations of racism. In some queer spaces, tenderqueer is also used to refer to younger queers who are seen as sensitive.

History

The term has been used since 2012 to describe queer individuals who lean into softness, according to the 2016 article The Cultural Politics of Softness. The article specifically noted the use of the term alongside those who use softness as a vessel to be real about their trauma or mental illness. Despite it's beginnings as a self-descriptor, the term would evolve into an insult against those who use innocence combined with their queer identity to absolve themselves of wrongdoing.

On November 24th, 2020, an article was released by Dolly Rose titled The Cursed Privilege of the Tenderqueer. In it, Rose discussed her experience as a Black woman with the tenderqueer community. Particularly, she discussed the use of therapy-speak and weaponized softness by tenderqueers to dodge criticism and reflect it onto others

"What is so insidious about the tenderqueer, is that the first time you’re presented with their bullshit, it’s really easy to fall for it. You hear what sounds like someone setting a boundary, and so you, being a person who tries to respect boundaries, do your best to comply.

"But then it happens again, and you realize, the new babe Willow that you’ve been hanging out with isn’t setting boundaries around when she’s available to process potentially contentious topics (like standing you up when you had dinner plans and not getting in touch until the morning after because “her boss was super oppressive that day and it triggered her issues with controlling men so she had to just shut down.”), she’s just avoiding a difficult conversation about flaking on your date and making excuses.

"This is why I personally find tenderqueers so particularly infuriating, they co-opt the language of the oppressed and use it as a hall pass to treat people like garbage."

On August 28th, 2023, a post was created by Tumblr user moonshinedyke discussing his grievances with tenderqueers as a black person

"[Tenderqueers] constantly use their queer identities to try and deflect when called out for racism, and they constantly use their queer identities to claim that they don't have white privilege. They use the excuse that they've gone through hardships before. As if we haven't explained that white privilege doesn't mean you haven't gone through hardships- it just means your skintone isn't one of the things making it harder. But whenever we explain racism, whenever we hold white queers accountable for their racism or white privilege, they deflect, and/or we get ad hominem responses."